I Need Profanity

Okay Aaron, you really want some dirt? Well, how about this?

You know Emerald begged to go on a trip to Washington D.C. She agreed that I would only pay a portion and that she would have to fund raise the remaining balance in order to go. I warned her that I would initiate her fundraising efforts but I would not "babysit" the process. To this she would respond, "Okay MOM!" With every invoice and every reminder phone call, I nudged Emerald to step up her efforts because time was running out. To this she would respond, "Okay MOM!"

So where are we today, I received an invoice last week stating that the balance is due in two weeks. I asked Emerald about the balance and what she planned to do. Not only did she let out that the teacher organizing this trip had made several inquiries regarding the balance but that she has raised nothing. In disbelief, I made my extreme dismay known through the various threats of bodily harm but absent of profanity....Yea ME! To this she would respond, "Alright MOM!" Do you see something missing here? Of course it would have been nice to have this followed by some sort of emergency plan ...an apology ......a request for assistance.....something. Well I got nothing. I asked her what she planned to do since she was given hard earned money for this trip but could not muster up the time or put forth the effort to even attempt to raise her part of the cost. I even asked if she thought the money would fall out of the sky. To this of course she responded, "Okay MOM!"

So here is the big question, should I loan here the large amount of money (with no job) in hopes that she will successfully fund raise and return the loan (considering her track record); or should I cancel her trip registration, request a refund and ride her to fund raise the nonrefundable amount? I decided to loan her the money with the agreement that she has to sell a certain amount of candy and solicit donations from a set number of merchants by the balance due date or the trip would be cancelled. Still I managed to withhold the large volume of "choice" words(some of which I created solely for her) I so desperately wanted to unload on her. Okay, so I did visualize the entire confrontation in my head.

This is so funny because every time I try to refrain from cursing someone out, I visualize doing so in my head. Well I did not know that when I do this, I usually have a big smile on my face or start giggling. This drives people crazy, especially the kids. They ask, "Mom what are you smiling or laughing at?" Of course I always say nothing and ask why because I honestly don't know that I am doing it. I guess I have to get my gratification somehow.

So that brings us to the events that unfolded yesterday to bring my short triumph to an end. I forgot the letters for Emerald to present to the merchants for the third day in a roll. I drop her off after school in a plaza while I pick up the babies so that she can use the time productively (again she needs a nudge). I decide to stop at a few printing places to have Emerald get estimates and hopefully some letters printed so that we would not waste another day. Let me not mention that every time we pulled up to a print shop, she sat in the back of the van looking like a tourist. Then she would huff and puff on her way out after I had to forcefully nudge her with semi-threatening words.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Emerald was already upset because I demanded, for the eighth time, that she throw away a uniform sweater that had a huge unraveling hole at one of the elbows. So while we were getting estimates I had made her give me the sweater so that I could make sure it was disposed of properly. While she was in Kinko's, I told Fat Boy to put the sweater in the dumpster. We drove around for another hour and went to pick up the babies. This is when Emerald all of a sudden realizes that she had fundraiser money in a sweater pocket. So I giggled (fully aware this time) and not only visualized myself giving Emerald a verbal lashing of glorious profanity but also seeing the look of terror on her face as I put her head in a virtual "Full Nelson?".

We return to Kinko's where I told Emerald she had better get the money out of the sweater. She walks up to the dumpster and surveys it by walking slowly around the sides of it, even peering into it at one point. Just when I was about to make my visualization a reality, I stopped, took a deep breath and told Fat Boy to go help his sister. He walked up to the dumpster and leaped over the side within seconds and with such ease. Do you think Emerald told her brother thank you? Of course she didn't, I had to do that for her too. At this point I am exhausted from an early morning exam, a meeting with my advisor, a run in with an over zealous university meter maid and a verbal battle of principle with a library manager. The frustration I felt at this point was so numbing that there were no word, even profanity, that could describe my thoughts.

I could go on for days but lets just end with this. To add to this already sad situation, we are already thirty minutes into our freeway commute home when Fat Boy and Angel decides to engage in full body mortal combat right behind my head and completely obstructing my view for safe necessary lane changes. "Stop" "No" "Don't do that." "I am driving." "Do you want us to get into an accident?" Do you really think any of these worked? Well I will tell you what did. I probably used every unsavory, trashy, explicit word I could think of. I have to admit that some of the things I said even I did not understand. I think I invented my own language.

I can say this, there was total silence for the duration of the trip. Hey, I could of pulled a "Susan Smith" but at 65mph I doubt if I would have made it out of the van alive (I ain't ready to die!).

Seriously, today is a new day and I will start anew.

Crystal